At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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