I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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