Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The uberlube is also flammable
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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