Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
