Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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