at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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