mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
