At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
