I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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