im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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