i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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