Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
