i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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