No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
