The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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