We're like a lot better than the average bears
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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