I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
