I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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