So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
