So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
