Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize