After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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