I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
