There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
