I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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