Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
that's an acceptable place to lick
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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