I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
