i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
