Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
