are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
