exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
