Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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