Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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