I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
