I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
