I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
