Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
