It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
