we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
