We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
