dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
