I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
God I need to hump something, right now.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
