I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
