I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
