When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Randomize
