My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
