It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
