And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The adults are the big ones right?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize