Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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