Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize