I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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