My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Congratulations! We have a period
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
