My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
