What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
