how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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