Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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