There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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