oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
