She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
