Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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