i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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