shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
