You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
