I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
