I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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