I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize